9 days still to get through


I am sensitive to every twinge, cramp, sensation or remote feeling. I am more acutely aware of my body than I have ever been. I am watchful and cautious. I avoid caffeine and alcohol. I try to eat so called fertility foods. I meditate, pray, and set my intentions and hopes laying them out before me in dreamscape futures. It is day 5 and there are still 9 to go. This is that patience lesson I never quite mastered and there is nothing to do but wait.

My concerns now are almost the complete lack of symptom I watch for signs of implantation, I spend too much time reading fertility listservs and forums and people’s symptoms on different days. I have no symptoms at present. My only conceivable symptom at this point is a consistently shifting weight I have been losing and gaining between 3-5 pounds in past 2 weeks. I imagine it is stress so I probably should return to those meditations I thought I was doing.

This is difficult because the waiting is hinged on so much a pure moment of joy or utter failure waits from one test result and I am loathe to take the test and have to see anything but a positive. I am loathe to start this over and or change and increase these medications that make me feel crazy, moody, insecure, and generally uncertain of everything. I know realistically it may not work though. I know inspire of everything I am doing this may not be the time. I am not expectant of anything, I am simply hopeful.

I have hope because I dreamed of a baby three years ago, when this wasn’t even something I was ready to approach. I believe that dream was this future I am setting my hope on. The question I have is was it a baby I bore or was it a baby that grew in our heart. I am happy in either scenario, I just want to have someone to share this wellspring of love that is slowly growing inside me.


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