Yesterday I had an awful fight with the husband. I was so upset with him I would say full on enraged. I am no longer on anxiety medicine or bipolar medicine and this makes me question my emotions or at least the intensity of them sometimes.
Anyway big fight, very stressed, overwhelmed and just generally out of sorts. I slept in the recliner last night because I am stubborn and want him to understand how angry I am. He worked today so that worked well for my plan of not speaking to him.
Except what doesn’t work is I hate fighting with anyone. I hate holding onto anger, upset, stress. It isn’t healthy. So today I felt out of sorts and not myself. I literally drove around most of the afternoon just aimless. I ate crap food and wallowed in this kind of self imposed exile from my life.
The problem with all of this is that now I know if I end up with a negative result on the 9th I will blame this. I will blame this stress, this emotional upheaval. I will blame my husband but ultimately myself.
I always blame myself. I blame my weight. My poor food choices, not exercising enough, not sleeping enough. Basically you name it I am failing at it.
So not sure what the next few days will hold but really worried I have ruined everything again.
We have become enemies again
it is our way. To cycle between devoted companionship
And this dance in which we do not speak.
My enemy doesn’t appraoch. Minutes stretch before me like hours and I lose myself plying for our lost kinship.
Yet here I am alone and missing you night after night
My one time friend who refuses to visit me
The amount of money I just spent on makeup….so ridiculous…
Also I ate horribly and now am sick with guilt and discomfort…tomorrow oatmeal…salad/chix breast italian dressing…organic kashi pizza thing… must get back on track.
In the quiet hours an expansive and sweeping loneliness swept through her. The recognition of all she had and all she had lost. The emptiness forming a womb of cobwebs and the faded light of dying stars as she lay alone. Breaking free of the web she walked slowly meandering between streetlight halos with their gasoline sheen. Along the way she collected stones that slowly filled her pockets. Walking walking walking till asphalt became concrete became gravel became sand, she paused to view the reflection of moon beams and cresting waves wishing that she could be whole and full of light like the moon that danced across the waves that beckoned her closer to an ebbing tide. Her hands in her pockets grazed the hard cold smooth stones and rocks and pebbles and she felt their weight could hardly compare to the weight of empty and alone and darkness. Dry sand that softly caressed gave way to the cold wet sand beaten down by waves and finally the waves washed over her toes and then her ankles and she continued to walk allowing the waves to press into her like the body of a lover heavy upon the bed and then the weight of the stones and the darkness pulled her into the dark water and she swallowed the sea allowing it to fill the empty spaces taking up residence in her rib cage and her womb and slowly she became a part of something and ceased to be. to be alone. she became darkness and light and the sea and the waves and the shore and the sand they became her companions.