Happy New Year! I obviously have one hope for the new year, not sure I can call it a resolution but there you go…
So the kind of freaking out is the fact that I had some really crazy dreams last night.
I should start by saying I never dream!
The first dream was slightly terrifying, my best friend was telling me her mother was taken to the emergency room and that she was not doing well and that she only had days to live, and then we visited her and I was comforting my best friend- then I woke up. I felt very out of sorts from that and had trouble falling back to sleep.
Finally I fell back to sleep and the next dream was not scary it was more hopeful. Husband and I were looking at this house. It was an old style house like 1920/1940’s, dark rich wood work everywhere and large kitchen that was updated. I remember in the dream I was completely in love with the house and of course the husband was being his normal cautious self, I woke up with him saying we would sleep on it.
So I came downstairs and as I was talking to my roommate and best friend I realized I felt like this was strange for a reason maybe – Cue google–
So now I am trying hard not to get overly excited… The chart is especially hopeful, I am estimating to be 7/8 days post ovulation.
Hopes for 2015 but holding off on getting overly excited.
I am sensitive to every twinge, cramp, sensation or remote feeling. I am more acutely aware of my body than I have ever been. I am watchful and cautious. I avoid caffeine and alcohol. I try to eat so called fertility foods. I meditate, pray, and set my intentions and hopes laying them out before me in dreamscape futures. It is day 5 and there are still 9 to go. This is that patience lesson I never quite mastered and there is nothing to do but wait.
My concerns now are almost the complete lack of symptom I watch for signs of implantation, I spend too much time reading fertility listservs and forums and people’s symptoms on different days. I have no symptoms at present. My only conceivable symptom at this point is a consistently shifting weight I have been losing and gaining between 3-5 pounds in past 2 weeks. I imagine it is stress so I probably should return to those meditations I thought I was doing.
This is difficult because the waiting is hinged on so much a pure moment of joy or utter failure waits from one test result and I am loathe to take the test and have to see anything but a positive. I am loathe to start this over and or change and increase these medications that make me feel crazy, moody, insecure, and generally uncertain of everything. I know realistically it may not work though. I know inspire of everything I am doing this may not be the time. I am not expectant of anything, I am simply hopeful.
I have hope because I dreamed of a baby three years ago, when this wasn’t even something I was ready to approach. I believe that dream was this future I am setting my hope on. The question I have is was it a baby I bore or was it a baby that grew in our heart. I am happy in either scenario, I just want to have someone to share this wellspring of love that is slowly growing inside me.