Monthly Archives: January 2015

Questioning Everything

Yesterday I had an awful fight with the husband. I was so upset with him I would say full on enraged. I am no longer on anxiety medicine or bipolar medicine and this makes me question my emotions or at least the intensity of them sometimes.

Anyway big fight, very stressed, overwhelmed and just generally out of sorts. I slept in the recliner last night  because I am stubborn and want him to understand how angry I am. He worked today so that worked well for my plan of not speaking to him.

Except what doesn’t work is I hate fighting with anyone. I hate holding onto anger, upset, stress. It isn’t healthy. So today I felt out of sorts and not myself. I literally drove around most of the afternoon just aimless. I ate crap food and wallowed in this kind of self imposed exile from my life.

The problem with all of this is that now I know if I end up with a negative result on the 9th I will blame this. I will blame this stress, this emotional upheaval. I will blame my husband but ultimately myself.

I always blame myself. I blame my weight. My poor food choices, not exercising enough, not sleeping enough. Basically you name it I am failing at it.

So not sure what the next few days will hold but really worried I have ruined everything again.



I am kind of freaking out!

Happy New Year! I obviously have one hope for the new year, not sure I can call it a resolution but there you go…


So the kind of freaking out is the fact that I had some really crazy dreams last night.

I should start by saying I never dream!


The first dream was slightly terrifying, my best friend was telling me her mother was taken to the emergency room and that she was not doing well and that she only had days to live, and then we visited her and I was comforting my best friend- then I woke up. I felt very out of sorts from that and had trouble falling back to sleep.

Finally I fell back to sleep and the next dream was not scary it was more hopeful. Husband and I were looking at this house. It was an old style house like 1920/1940’s, dark rich wood work everywhere and large kitchen that was updated. I remember in the dream I was completely in love with the house and of course the husband was being his normal cautious self, I woke up with him saying we would sleep on it.

So I came downstairs and as I was talking to my roommate and best friend I realized I felt like this was strange for a reason maybe – Cue google

So now I am trying hard not to get overly excited… The chart is especially hopeful, I am estimating to be 7/8 days post ovulation.

Hopes for 2015 but holding off on getting overly excited.