Yesterday I had an awful fight with the husband. I was so upset with him I would say full on enraged. I am no longer on anxiety medicine or bipolar medicine and this makes me question my emotions or at least the intensity of them sometimes.
Anyway big fight, very stressed, overwhelmed and just generally out of sorts. I slept in the recliner last night because I am stubborn and want him to understand how angry I am. He worked today so that worked well for my plan of not speaking to him.
Except what doesn’t work is I hate fighting with anyone. I hate holding onto anger, upset, stress. It isn’t healthy. So today I felt out of sorts and not myself. I literally drove around most of the afternoon just aimless. I ate crap food and wallowed in this kind of self imposed exile from my life.
The problem with all of this is that now I know if I end up with a negative result on the 9th I will blame this. I will blame this stress, this emotional upheaval. I will blame my husband but ultimately myself.
I always blame myself. I blame my weight. My poor food choices, not exercising enough, not sleeping enough. Basically you name it I am failing at it.
So not sure what the next few days will hold but really worried I have ruined everything again.
I am sensitive to every twinge, cramp, sensation or remote feeling. I am more acutely aware of my body than I have ever been. I am watchful and cautious. I avoid caffeine and alcohol. I try to eat so called fertility foods. I meditate, pray, and set my intentions and hopes laying them out before me in dreamscape futures. It is day 5 and there are still 9 to go. This is that patience lesson I never quite mastered and there is nothing to do but wait.
My concerns now are almost the complete lack of symptom I watch for signs of implantation, I spend too much time reading fertility listservs and forums and people’s symptoms on different days. I have no symptoms at present. My only conceivable symptom at this point is a consistently shifting weight I have been losing and gaining between 3-5 pounds in past 2 weeks. I imagine it is stress so I probably should return to those meditations I thought I was doing.
This is difficult because the waiting is hinged on so much a pure moment of joy or utter failure waits from one test result and I am loathe to take the test and have to see anything but a positive. I am loathe to start this over and or change and increase these medications that make me feel crazy, moody, insecure, and generally uncertain of everything. I know realistically it may not work though. I know inspire of everything I am doing this may not be the time. I am not expectant of anything, I am simply hopeful.
I have hope because I dreamed of a baby three years ago, when this wasn’t even something I was ready to approach. I believe that dream was this future I am setting my hope on. The question I have is was it a baby I bore or was it a baby that grew in our heart. I am happy in either scenario, I just want to have someone to share this wellspring of love that is slowly growing inside me.
Just started the progesterone on the 26th and not looking forward to the weeks of taking it that I have ahead of me.
Dizzy spells, headaches, nausea.
There is of course that small part that is silently hoping this is all signs of a positive response to the fertility treatment that perhaps there was successful ovulation, then implantation…but it is so early still and really too early for that I think. Not to mention I don’t want to get my hopes up for that just yet. The big day is January 9th. Waiting as patiently and calmly as I can.
Each night before I go to bed I meditate, think, set my intention. I pray for a safe environment for the small blessing to develop in. I pray for health, I pray for success, I say all the potential names my husband and I have considered and I gently rub my abdomen as I cast my wishes outward and wait for them to return to me.